Our Hassle Free Double Your Money Back Guarantee


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Not thrilled with the your purchase?

  • We will happily refund double your full purchase price, including shipping and handling!
  • No questions asked (like it says, “hassle free”)!
  • Guarantee is good until one year after Earth implodes!

When you come to our website, you can’t read our articles before you shell out your hard earned cash. We understand and respect that you might change your mind after you buy.

Oh wait! Unlike some other area news publications, our content is free and you didn’t pay us a dime!

For over half a decade, we’ve been bringing news to readers in the Lawrence County area. We’ve managed to attract a decent size readership and provide an exceptional service at absolutely no cost.

We’ve brought injustice to light, we’ve exposed facts that no one else would, we’ve been called “full of shit” for some of the things we’ve written (that, ultimately, turned out to be true), we’ve changed the course of elections, and we’ve been threatened by lawyers.

And yet, we’ve never charged you a penny.

That hasn’t stopped some people from bitching about the stories we write, however, so here’s our guarantee to you:

If, at any time, you feel that you haven’t gotten your money’s worth, just send us an email to dumbass@mitchellnews.net and explain how you’re an ingrateful freeloader and we will, instantly and without any question, completely refund you double your money back!

Alternatively, you can shut the hell up, quit bitching, unsubscribe from our free e-mail updates, and un-like us on Facebook, if you don’t like what we have to say.

It won’t hurt our feelings, we promise.


Exclusive update from MSM, (My Silly Mind)...These are really exciting times for me as CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, is considering my proposal to create an LRC, Large Religion Collider. In recent telepathic communications between myself and CERN, famous for their LHC, Large Hadron Collider, they acknowledged that their recent discoveries of the Higgs Boson particle, and more specifically, the existence of Dark Matter and Dark Energies, not only identify the substance and building blocks of physical matter, but for the first time make it possible to scientifically document the components of our meta-physical realities, such as faith. Fortunately, they say, it will take no new construction, but only very limited re-configuring of their Large Hadron Collider to transform it for use as a Large Religion Collider. The proposed experiment will use minute dark particles of opposing faiths, such as Islam and Judaism, accelerated to the speed of light and then smash them together within a framework of sub-atomic sensors. They predict this will expose the dark matter, dark energies and perhaps even identify the God particle hidden within religious beliefs.

Jesse Streich
Jesse Streich

lol ,,, you guys are doing great.... now Wheres my money......? no really great job on the true prospective...