Our Hassle Free Double Your Money Back Guarantee

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Not thrilled with the your purchase?

  • We will happily refund double your full purchase price, including shipping and handling!
  • No questions asked (like it says, “hassle free”)!
  • Guarantee is good until one year after Earth implodes!

When you come to our website, you can’t read our articles before you shell out your hard earned cash. We understand and respect that you might change your mind after you buy.

Oh wait! Unlike some other area news publications, our content is free and you didn’t pay us a dime!

For over half a decade, we’ve been bringing news to readers in the Lawrence County area. We’ve managed to attract a decent size readership and provide an exceptional service at absolutely no cost.

We’ve brought injustice to light, we’ve exposed facts that no one else would, we’ve been called “full of shit” for some of the things we’ve written (that, ultimately, turned out to be true), we’ve changed the course of elections, and we’ve been threatened by lawyers.

And yet, we’ve never charged you a penny.

That hasn’t stopped some people from bitching about the stories we write, however, so here’s our guarantee to you:

If, at any time, you feel that you haven’t gotten your money’s worth, just send us an email to dumbass@mitchellnews.net and explain how you’re an ingrateful freeloader and we will, instantly and without any question, completely refund you double your money back!

Alternatively, you can shut the hell up, quit bitching, unsubscribe from our free e-mail updates, and un-like us on Facebook, if you don’t like what we have to say.

It won’t hurt our feelings, we promise.